So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize