last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
