I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
