Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
