I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
