you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
