"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
