Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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