Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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