My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
