Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
