this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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