he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
