Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
