I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
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