i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
