Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
