Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
