Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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