just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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