I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
