You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
