no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
