Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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