So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
