so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
