when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
