At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
