I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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