i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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