How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
