The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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