i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
