the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
