I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
