i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
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