While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
