she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
