you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
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