I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize