She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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