I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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