I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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