It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
