life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
