SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
