just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
