I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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