every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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