i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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