i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
