By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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