I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
