6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
