My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
