i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Never joke about your clitoris.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
