So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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