i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
