the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
