You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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