Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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