I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
