I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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