So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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