The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
