You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
