Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
