I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
